Helping Kids Regulate by Regulating Ourselves – A Conversation with Rivka Stern
In this episode of Stress-Free IEP, Frances Shefter sits down with Rivka Stern, a former pediatric occupational therapist who spent over 20 years working directly with children before realizing that the most powerful change often comes from working with parents. Drawing on both her clinical expertise and her personal experience raising six children, Rivka now coaches parents on navigating challenging behaviors by focusing on emotional regulation—both for themselves and their kids.
Regulation vs. Dysregulation
Rivka compares regulation to the body’s physical homeostasis. Just as our bodies work to keep our temperature around 98.6°F, our nervous systems have a natural state of calm and balance. That’s regulation.
Life’s challenges naturally pull us out of that state—anger, stress, frustration are all normal—but the trouble comes when dysregulation becomes the “new normal.” For both parents and kids, staying regulated as much as possible allows for better problem-solving, reflection, and communication.
Self-awareness is key. As Frances notes, knowing when you’re dysregulated and taking a step back before engaging with your child can prevent a small issue from turning into a blow-up.
Why Adult Regulation Comes First
While many programs try to teach children to identify their triggers, Rivka emphasizes that the real responsibility lies with the adults in the room. Young children aren’t usually capable of noticing and adjusting their own emotional states—at least not without guidance.
Parents and teachers can reduce dysregulation by spotting patterns and adjusting the environment. Rivka shares the example of a preschooler who melted down every time he had to give up a bike. Instead of insisting on “sharing” and triggering his fight-or-flight response, the teachers created a playful “parking garage” routine, making the transition smooth and stress-free.
Avoiding Power Struggles
Rivka warns that you can’t win a power struggle with your child—it’s like a tug-of-war where the kid never drops the rope. Instead, shift your mindset from “my child should be able to do this” to “how can I support my child so this works?”
Frances shares her own example: turning a nightly shower battle into a playful race to beat the countdown clock. The goal isn’t to “win” against your child—it’s to meet the objective in a way that works for both of you.
Building Autonomy and Respect
Respect in today’s parenting world comes from mutual treatment, not blind obedience. When kids are respected, given some control, and allowed to make decisions, they carry that into their teen years.
This means modeling the behavior you want to see—if you speak respectfully to your child, they’re more likely to respond in kind. Harsh or dismissive talk teaches them to use the same tone back to you.
Why Kids Are More Dysregulated Today
Rivka believes one major factor is the loss of free play. Unstructured time with other kids—making up games, running around outside—helps regulate the nervous system. Today’s packed schedules, heavy academic expectations, and screen time are replacing those experiences.
She also encourages parents to question fear-based narratives that keep children from exploring independently. While safety is important, teaching kids how to respond to unsafe situations (through role-playing, identifying safe adults, and problem-solving) builds confidence and regulation.
Meeting Your Child’s Unique Needs
Every child’s needs are different—some crave independence, others need more connection. Parents can help kids stay regulated by understanding their sensory preferences, anticipating overwhelm, and adjusting plans accordingly.
Frances gives the example of realizing her daughter’s “math class problem” was actually overstimulation from lunch and recess. A quick break before math solved the issue—proof that triggers often have deeper causes.
Preventing Fires Instead of Putting Them Out
Regulation starts with prevention, not crisis management. That means parents must meet their own needs consistently—whether it’s exercise, quiet time, or hobbies—so they can show up calmly for their kids.
Quality time also matters. Rivka points out that “attention” only counts if it’s undivided. Fifteen minutes of device-free, child-led play can dramatically reduce attention-seeking misbehavior.
The Big Takeaways
- Your regulation is the foundation: Kids co-regulate with the adults around them.
- Respect and autonomy matter: Give kids real choices and model the respect you want in return.
- Pre-empt meltdowns by knowing your child: Look for patterns, adjust environments, and remove the word “should” from your expectations.
- Don’t underestimate play: Unstructured, imaginative time is essential for emotional health.
- Fill your own cup first: Self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for effective parenting.
Connect with Rivka Stern through her website: https://www.invitecalm.com/
